What role does anger play in the lives of ACOAs?

Anger is a natural and necessary emotion that helps us understand and navigate our environment. It can inform us when our boundaries are being crossed and motivate us to make necessary changes in our lives. However, for many adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs), anger can be a confusing and difficult emotion to understand and manage.

As an ACOA, you may be all too familiar with the experience of growing up with an alcoholic parent who could lash out with anger and aggression. In an alcoholic home, anger is directed at all the family members from either the alcoholic or the enabling/codependent partner. The child growing up in such home experiences fears anger and in self protection builds a persona that would minimize conflict. This conflict avoidant personal persists through adulthood resulting in poor ability to detect anger in their body, communicate effectively in the form of boundaries, and build assertiveness. This can result in a cycle of internalized anger and aggression towards the self, leading to depression, low self-esteem, and potentially explosive outbursts of rage. It can also make it difficult to recognize and respond to aggression directed at you from others, leading to a “freeze” response and a lack of healthy boundaries.

Stuffing anger and repressing it can have harmful consequences on your physical and emotional well-being. It can lead to physiological and somatic illness, such as panic attacks. Repressed anger can manifest in passive-aggressive behavior and a lack of healthy communication. Lack of assertiveness and boundaries can attract disrespect and abuse from others, as the inability to communicate anger can make you a target for those who take advantage of your lack of boundaries.

It’s important for ACOAs to work on developing a healthy relationship with anger and learning how to use it as a tool for positive change. This can involve seeking support and guidance through resources like the Workshop for Adult Children of Alcoholics or the book Misery to MASTERY: Straight Talk and Worksheets for the Adult Children of Alcoholics. These can provide valuable tools and strategies for managing and processing your emotions in a healthy way.

Remember, it’s never too late to learn how to regulate your emotions and build a healthier relationship with anger. With the right support and resources, you can gain control over your emotions and create a more fulfilling and balanced life.

Healing Wishes,

Sofya Vass