Why do Adult Children of Alcoholics feel the need to be in control?

Are you an ACOA? How do you know whether control is an issue for you? Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you feel stressed or anxious when spending time with others, especially if things are not going your way?
2. Do you become angry or frustrated with others for not doing things “the right way.”?
3. Feel judgmental of those who do not see things the same way or feel that others are not as organized or capable?
4. Take on a disproportionate amount of responsibilities and planning, often to the point of feeling overwhelmed?
5. Struggle to relax and trust others? Feel the need to constantly be in charge and offer suggestions and take action?
6. Feel critical or disdainful of the way that others organize their thoughts and take actions?

Why is this important to understand? The need for control creates dissatisfaction in relationships and creates distance that prevents us from experiencing real intimacy. Because when we control, we don’t allow people the space to be themselves and ourselves to experience others as they are.

This need to control may be due to the chaos and unpredictability that we experienced in our childhoods. Growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave us feeling like we can’t trust others or the environment around us, leading us to believe that the only way to feel safe is to depend on ourselves and try to control everything. As a result, we may find it difficult to relax and trust others, and may feel the need to constantly be in charge by offering suggestions, taking on responsibility and being the first to jump to action.

This need for control can also have an impact on the people around us. Others may begin to feel infantilized and lose their own sense of control in our presence, which can lead to feelings of frustration and a loss of autonomy. On the other hand, we may feel critical and disdainful of the way that others organize their thoughts and actions, leading to a sense of superiority and irritation with others, ultimately leading to feelings of loneliness and disconnection.

If you are an adult child of an alcoholic and struggle with a need for control, know that you are not alone and there are resources available to help you. It is possible to learn to trust and let go of control, allowing for more meaningful and authentic relationships with others. One way to do this is through programs such as Al-Anon or ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), which offer support and guidance and community. Additionally, taking a class such as the workshop for adult children of alcoholics or working through a workbook for ACOAs can help deepen the understanding of symptoms developed as a result of growing up in an alcoholic environment and help you work through some long held beliefs.

Healing Wishes,

Sofya Vass