Adult Children of Alcoholics and “Fixer Upper” Partners

Why do some ACOAs attract fixer upper partners?

Hi guys, the fixer upper partner phenomena is one of the 6 patterns that I have identified in relationship styles of adult children of alcoholics. The other five are 1. It’s all my fault – please don’t abandon me. 2. Loving unavailable people 3. I will give you will take 4. Mind reading/Fantasy Pattern 6. I can’t be vulnerable. Check out my YouTube channel to view my videos on all the styles as well as my other psych videos.

Many adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) tend to find partners that they can control – hence the fixer upper phenomena. This behavior is rooted in the ACOA’s unconscious desire to regain control over their childhood experiences. They may feel that they were unable to control their parents’ alcoholism or the chaos it caused, so they seek to control other aspects of their life in order to feel a sense of agency. Additionally, the idea of “fixing” someone else may be an attempt to make up for the feelings of helplessness and powerlessness that they experienced as children.

Research supports this phenomena – according to a study by Olmsted, Crowell, and Waters found that male ACOAs are more likely to be alcoholic themselves and that both male and female ACOAs are more likely to marry alcoholics. Furthermore, Schuckit, Tipp and Kelner found that nonalcoholic daughters of alcoholics were more than twice as likely to marry an alcoholic as nonalcoholic daughters of nonalcoholics, irrespective of the alcoholic parent’s gender.Another study by Black, Bucky, and Wilder-Padilla found that adults raised in alcoholic households reported more emotional and psychological problems in adulthood, more physical and sexual abuse as children, and more frequently became alcoholic and married alcoholics when compared to adults raised in nonalcoholic households. If you grew up in an alcoholic family – than you know that marrying someone with an addiction – is marrying someone who is in need of fixing!

But why do ACOAs tend to find people that they can control? It may be rooted in co-dependency and counter-dependency. Co-dependency refers to a pattern of sacrificing one’s own needs for the needs of others, often in an attempt to control or change them. Counter-dependency, on the other hand, refers to a pattern of resisting or rejecting the needs of others in order to maintain independence and control.

For ACOAs, growing up in an alcoholic home can lead to feelings of powerlessness and a lack of control. As a result, they may develop a need to control their environment and the people around them in order to feel safe and secure. Controlling others can also create distance and protect them from being hurt by those they care about. As long as the attention is on the other person – it is deflected from self and one’s own needs – which is a convenient place to be if you grew up in a household where your needs were not met and you learned to relate to others by helping them overcome their troubles.

If you are currently in a relationship with someone in need of help – imagine a scenario – where your partner is healthy, happy, successful and productive. How does it make you feel? What thoughts come up with this idea? This too can help you understand your pattern. Would you feel insecure? Would you feel unneeded? Would you feel discomfort? Why? The idea of being with someone who choses you over someone who needs you can be destabilizing if you have become accustomed to being in the role of a needed provider. This is something worth exploring.

What does the partner on the other end feel? The contained, the controlled individual? There is a lot to explore on this idea – however in brief – they made a choice to be with someone who believes they need to change – thus they have partially given up their autonomy and accepted being with an individual that does not fully accept them. Presumably, they have come from a shame based background – where they find a shaming partner comforting. In the long run – however, due to the split that occurs between who they are fundamentally – and submitting to create a persona for their partner; they may feel that they they lost themselves and feel suffocated, resentful, and unsupported. Additionally, a controlling partner may create an environment in which it becomes difficult for them to express themselves and make decisions, leading to feelings of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. This will be a difficult reality for the controlling partner to accept as through the control the exert – they truly believe that they are doing a beneficent deed and are significantly helping the individual improve their life. They feel heroic and fantasize about a time when they will be thanked for all the hard work they put in – instead they get the opposite.

If you feel that you attract partners that are fixer uppers or generally notice yourself exerting control – don’t worry, you’re not alone. If you’re interested in changing this pattern – check out my 8 week online course for ACOAs where I give you step by step instructions on evaluating your thoughts and patterns and offer alternative views and insights or my book Misery to Mastery.

Happy Healing,

Sofya Vas (Vasilyeva)