Why do ACOAs have difficulty with vulnerability?

Have you ever found it difficult to be vulnerable in a relationship? Do you feel confused at the concept of vulnerability? It may be the case that you grew up in a home in which patterns of relating were through manipulation.

Kids that grow up in an alcoholic household (AH) learn to identify the needs of others and fill them for their safety and comfort. Children of alcoholics develop intuition to know what their parents are experiencing and when to engage with them and when to stay away. They use this developed intuition to create the most safe environment for themselves. This way of functioning in the world becomes a norm – predicting people’s moods and identifying needs of others is easy for ACOAs, they then adjust their behavior to to control the outcome of the desired situation. When the outcome is not as expected, the ACOA usually does not accept the situation and uses various methods of control in response.

Vulnerability entails expressing one’s own experience, thoughts and emotions to a given circumstance or party and allowing the other the opportunity to express their reaction to what was shared. It’s not that ACOAs are afraid of being vulnerable it’s that they have difficulty with the concept for several reasons such as identifying their own emotions in real time, using manipulation tactics and avoiding the unknown.

Some ACOAs have difficulty identifying , allowing and naming their emotions. In order to express what one is feeling, one must be able to connect with the emotion and allow time to process – sit with the emotion. In an AH, emotions are denied, the child usually develops a mechanism to repress emotions and it takes time to learn how to connect with emotions, this is done through long term therapy.

Another reason why ACOAs struggle with vulnerability is that they are used to manipulations. The idea that one can control the outcome of a situation. For ACOA it’s difficult to grasp the need to be vulnerable when instead, one can work on manipulating the situation for one’s benefit. The truth is, that while manipulations can and do work to control the outcome – over time this becomes a toxic way of relating with others. For one – manipulations take energy and if the outcome is not as expected the party is left with a myriad of negative feelings. People who are being manipulated on the other end, also begin to build resentment and distrust over time.

Being vulnerable vs being manipulative also means allowing space for circumstances to present themselves in a way that are beyond one’s control, often times ACOAs will avoid being in this position because it’s representative of chaos, and while ACOAs are usually great at handling chaos when it is occurring around them – they will also control what is in their power to not be the starting point of chaos itself and thus allowing space to hear and process information that does not match the desired reality is avoided.

If you feel that you have difficulty with the concept of vulnerability – don’t worry, you’re not alone. If you’re interested in reversing this pattern – check out my 8 week online course for ACOAs where I give you step by step instructions on evaluating your thoughts and patterns and offer alternative views and insights or my book Misery to Mastery.

Happy Healing,

Sofya Vas (Vasilyeva)